New Address as of 6/8/2015

Les Missionnaires
Elder Nick Martin
3, rue la Martine
21000 Dijon

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Week 25 April 20, 2015 Feeling Alone

Week 25    April 20, 2015

So this weekend I get an iPad for the mission. all the missionaries are going to Lyon for a conference and we are going to learn how to use the new iPad minis.

I am really depressed right now. I feel horrible and useless. I really want to go home. It's not because of sin. I just feel like nobody cares about me or what I think or have to say. Never before have I felt so unloved. Never in my life. I don't know how long I can do this anymore.  Nobody listens to me. 

Only one elder and one sister have been genuine with me, but other than them, I feel ignored and neglected. Unloved. Here in the field, ALL MY LIFE, I will say something, and it will go through one ear and out the other. I once stopped an elder from speaking during a lesson because I felt something different and he told me later that he thought "What the freak is this Bleu doing?" I am only 4 weeks younger than this elder is in mission age. That tells me everything I need to know about what the people here think about me. 

I will be talking and my comp will cut in with some stupid comment and change everything so that the attention can be on him. It kills me. I feel so worthless. My comp will take over lessons and conversations and I know that it will never come back to me for me to add something. I talked about it with him, and so did all of his other comps. The same thing happened to me in my first two transfers. Why am I even out here? I can go home and read my scriptures and walk around and attend a French class! I don't need to come to France for two years just so people can ignore me!!!! So what I need is some time alone for awhile. Since I am alone here in France anyway, I guess that works out just perfectly. But the next time I email, I will tell you whether or not I will be coming home. 

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