Week 25 April 20, 2015
So this weekend I get an iPad for the mission. all the
missionaries are going to Lyon for a conference and we are going to learn how
to use the new iPad minis.
I am really depressed right now. I feel horrible and useless.
I really want to go home. It's not because of sin. I just feel like nobody
cares about me or what I think or have to say. Never before have I felt so
unloved. Never in my life. I don't know how long I can do this anymore. Nobody listens
to me.
Only one elder and one sister have been genuine with me, but other than
them, I feel ignored and neglected. Unloved. Here in the field, ALL MY LIFE, I
will say something, and it will go through one ear and out the other. I once
stopped an elder from speaking during a lesson because I felt something
different and he told me later that he thought "What the freak is this
Bleu doing?" I am only 4 weeks younger than this elder is in mission age.
That tells me everything I need to know about what the people here think about
me.
I will be talking and my comp will cut in with some stupid comment and
change everything so that the attention can be on him. It kills me. I feel so
worthless. My comp will take over lessons and conversations and I know that it
will never come back to me for me to add something. I talked about it with him,
and so did all of his other comps. The same thing happened to me in my first
two transfers. Why am I even out here? I can go home and read my scriptures and
walk around and attend a French class! I don't need to come to France for two
years just so people can ignore me!!!! So what I need is some time alone for awhile.
Since I am alone here in France anyway, I guess that works out just perfectly.
But the next time I email, I will tell you whether or not I will be coming
home.
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